I hate being a teenager. I remember the day I turned twelve. It's a memory that sticks out to me because I was crying so much that day. Maybe there was a fluctuation with my hormones or something, but I just remember crying and crying. Now, I am eighteen. And I still cry. But I cry to myself. I don't want others to see my emotions. I've written so many posts in the past (when I still had my old blog posts up) about keeping all of my emotions bottled up inside and not opening up to anyone. Unfortunately, not much has changed. I am still struggling to find a way to deal with my emotions. There are times when you feel so helpless and for the stupidest reasons. I think the problem with me is that I don't want people to see me being helpless, weak, stupid.
Even though the teenage years are necessary for growing up and I am thankful for all of the mistakes I've made, I can't help but think about everything that I have done and haven't done.
But I've learned that it is never good to dwell too much on the past nor the future. One thing that I learned is to be in the present. I used to hardly be present. However, over the years, I gradually changed that habit. If I have a hard time or if I am being anxious or even if I feel like I'm just stuck somewhere, I think about an anchor in my life. The mere thought of my grandmother who is now in heaven watching over me makes me snap back to reality and focus on my goals.
I know that no matter what happens or what ever decision I make, I will always be completely open with someone.
j.j.